Good Morning Class

I feel like I’m in some sick version of ‘Groundhog Day’. When I look over the reflections for my lessons I see the same things over and over again – talked too long, poor discipline, didn’t manage class. The problem is, I think of ways around these, I try out new ideas (like Chocolate points, 1 minute detentions, constant praise, isolation, etc) but at the end of the period I write the same thing (mainly about the one class) in my diary. I’m obviously varying the surface but not what is underneath. Then I think I’ve made a huge breakthrough. This perfection lasts maybe a week, maybe only a couple of periods, then it’s gone again.

Anyone who reads Terry Pratchett will know that the magical machine, Hex, tries an infinite number of impossible ways to do something so that it can achieve its goal before the universe notices that what it’s doing is impossible. I feel like that, trying something just long enough for it to work, then when the class realises it doesn’t I have to find another method quick. Unfortunately I am not magical and don’t have an infinite number of solutions up my sleeve. So I soldier on, regardless, and wonder, yet again, what on earth I’m doing here.

Bye bye holidays!

Once upon a time I had 28 days holiday a year. I only took them to do shows or courses and one week for an actual holiday – maybe. But I always went back feeling refreshed.

Now I have more holidays than I know what to do with but I came back from a week off feeling shattered and a little depressed.

Part of it was all the preparation I was doing. I feel like I only had 2 days off and those were in the middle of last week. And part of it was my increasing paranoia that the longer I was away the more I would forget and the worse I would do when I got back.

It’s very easy to get paranoid just now. Several NQTs I’ve spoken to – across various schools and authorities – are feeling like they might have to pack it in and go work in a call centre. Its less money but its definitely less stress. Speaking to everyone I think I know why we’re feeling like this. The first term, the honeymoon period, is over. Bad habits and flaws are now being exposed and we’re trying to eradicate them. The interim report is looming and it’s a whole round of observations from the high and mighty in our departments and the whole school. Who wouldn’t feel stressed?

However, I have decided to have a new approach to my work. Each lesson is a new opportunity to perfect the things I messed up on last time – little by little. Each day is a new chance to get things right for myself and for the pupils. And I feel much better than I did this morning because I was reminded, just by the atmosphere when walking into the school, that I am not alone. I am supported by my colleagues, my bosses and my family. I might not be able to get through this year – by WE can!

I have been off with the flu for almost a week.

Not only does this mean I have missed more opportunities to improve my teaching practice (which badly needs it) but I have been unable to get out of bed and have basically spent a week alternately feeling sorry for myself and going bleurgh all over the place (not literally.)

Unfortunately it couldn't have come at a worse time. My first observed lessons were rubbish, my mentor is concerned that I'm crap (not her actual words!) and I feel like I'm crap too.

I have assessed my planning skills and rejigged them. I have gone over the subject content to refresh myself on it. I have thrown almost two months work out the window to start again. But here I am, back at work and feeling no better prepared than I was before I got sick. I've had nothing to do but reflect but it doesn't seem to be working.

I do know what part of the problem is. I understand it all in my head. I get the theories, the AifL, the ACfE, enterprise, classroom management, behaviour management. I get it ALL! But it doesn't seem to want to leave my head and translate into actual practice. I try observing and mimicing what I see and that falls flat. I try to do it my way but that falls thorugh too - mainly because I appear to have lost my way in all the training. I used to be so good at this. All my kids in community work understood definitions, knew how to carry things out practically and could write, do all sorts of practical and the rest.

Thankfully, I'm focusing on getting through this week. Next week is October holidays and its head down and sort it out time. Hopefully.

Otherwise I think I might be sunk.